Tuesday, March 17, 2009

So, we had the first go-limp-slide-to-the-floor-kicking-and-screaming incident last night. Marc and I just watched and tried to ignore it, although, I must say it was a little hard not to laugh. So much drama from such a little body. She's doing better today; I think yesterday she was just WAY overtired and was falling apart. Today, she was much nicer to me. She didn't say, "No! Mommy go way!" and shove me whenever I walked by. That was pleasant. I mean, come on. I know I'm not supposed to take it seriously, but you can only take so much of that before you feel a little hurt by it, rational or not.

I was having this self flagellating moment yesterday where I was remembering how scared I was after she was born; I was afraid to hold her because she was so fragile and small, and I was afraid she'd wake up or be upset. Marc was the natural parent from day one; all he wanted to do was hold her all the time. I felt like there was something wrong with me, something missing. I started to wonder if things would be different if I hadn't been so scared around her.

Then I also came to the realization that beating myself up for things in the past is a huge waste of time and emotional energy. I am not going to feel bad about being scared. Yeah, looking back I'd do things differently, but I can't go back. I am just working on trying to be a good parent NOW. So, today when we went to daycare and she pulled out two chairs at the kitchen table, climbed in to one and then patted the other one with her hand and said, "Mommy sit!" I felt like I was on top of the world.

The bad days are when you question yourself, the good days are when you sit back and let yourself enjoy the moment.

(Ugh. That is soooo right out of a Lifetime movie. But you know what I mean.)

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